Pernicious Friendship


I have a friend

We do everything together; “joined at the hip“, as they say

I think the best way to describe him is as a therianthrope

Somedays I wake up and he’s a small mosquito, constantly buzzing in my ear

And somedays I wake up to him roaring like an angry, ferocious lion and there’s nothing else that I can hear

These are the days I am instilled with fear

Our friendship is toxic and abusive, rendering me a despondent captive

Bound by the shackles of his cold embrace

I’m in a constant daze

My mind is a clouded haze; a maze.

Tired of running in circles

I have no doubt,

there’s no way out.





Sometimes I wish I was a bird

Fierce and free to fly away whenever I want

wherever I want

Not be bothered by life’s trivialities

Free from sin

Not burdened by the sterile search for redemption

Weightlessly gliding through the clouds

Effortlessly majestic.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird because I wouldn’t be me then.



I think I’m done

Can’t fly with broken wings

Can’t dance when I can’t hear the music

Can’t help but sink when my lungs are full of water

Can’t laugh when I can’t hear the joke

Can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because it isn’t there

Growing darkness continues to ensnare me

So terrifying. So paralyzing

Yet so soothing

I think I’m done.

I think I’m done.

Bring out the gun and send me to the One.



It’s hard to tell

If I have thick skin


If I’ve been burnt to the third degree with no viable nerve endings left.

It’s hard to tell why everything around me seems like it’s happening in a parallel universe.

It’s hard to tell why I can’t seem to escape this labyrinth inside my mind.

It’s hard to tell why my world continues to get blindingly darker.

It’s hard to tell why there’s no explanation for any of it.




Trying to escape the weight of this anchor has exhausted me

It continues to drown me deeper beneath its weight

Futile attempts to circumvent and swim back up have now transformed into looming hope for this descent to come to an end

But it continues to relentlessly drag me down at terminal velocity, deeper into this abyss

Maybe my destination-less journey would be hastened if a kind soul aboard the vessel would just cut the rope, granting both of us freedom




I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment

I’m sorry I failed you

I’m sorry that I went left every time you wanted me to go right

I’m sorry that I kept trying to speak to you in a language you didn’t understand

I’m sorry that the only way I could find myself was by losing my way

I’m sorry that you feel my life is nothing but a cascade of wrong decisions

I’m sorry that my unrefined, rough edges broke the mould you tried so hard to fit me into

But most of all,

I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart, that I’m really not sorry at all.